This reply is directed to Tony and Skip in response to anther recent thread ("second thoughts"), but it is intended to be useful for anyone on this forum. My comments are based upon over 20 years in the field of international education. And although there are important differences between university students and retirees, the process of cross-cultural adaptation is very similar for both. Students may (or may not) be more flexible and adaptable, but retirees have acquired wisdom and a lifetime of experiences to help them through. So I’d call it a draw.
Tony and Skip, what you are feeling is absolutely and totally NORMAL for where you are in the process of cross-cultural adjustment. I say this not to minimize the intensity of what you are feeling, but simply to let you know that it is an expected and even useful part of the process of adaptation. Whether a crystal ball would reveal that you end up leaving Ecuador or living happily ever after here, you would still go through this stage. It is rare indeed that an expat can avoid this phase.
You are no longer in the Honeymoon phase, but in the Culture Shock phase. Other names for this phase are the “Hostility” phase, the “Frustration” phase or the “Irritation” phase. And to drop from the Honeymoon phase to the Culture Shock phase is the most extreme and abrupt part of the “W-Curve” of cultural adjustment. And it is the most scary and difficult part. In one fell swoop you have gone from the highest high to the lowest low, in terms of cultural adjustment. Most likely you will never again feel as euphoric as you did in the beginning, but you also will probably never feel as low and frustrated and scared as you do now.
Now begins the hard work of acculturation. It is a time of gradual adjustment, learning to cope, learning the ropes. It is a time of intense personal growth geared toward achieving a degree of biculturalism. I like that the subsequent phase is sometimes refereed to as the “Recovery” phase, and even better, the “Humor” phase. (Imo, anyone who knows they lack a sense of humor should NEVER consider moving to another country!)
Culture is often described using the analogy of an iceberg: the small part above the water is analogous to the visible, easily observable aspects of the culture, but there is a much larger part underneath the surface. Now you’ve got to start diving into the cold water to discover what is under the surface.
Ecuador can be deceptive because on the surface it is not extremely different from the US. There are no elephants or camels roaming the streets, you are not living in a straw hut and hunting your food (assuming you did not move to the Amazon). There are grocery stores with many of the same products as in the US, some of the same fast food restaurants, you have running water and electricity, cinemas, cable and internet, fancy restaurants, imported wine, etc. This is both helpful and unhelpful in terms of cultural adaptation. On the one hand, you don’t have as far to go to adjust, but on the other hand it also lowers your expectations about the degree of difference. And then when you encounter more difference than you expected, it is more shocking and irritating. Don’t be fooled by the tip of the iceberg. Ecuador is VERY different from the US, in so many ways. Try to make it fun to discover those differences. It is important first to just notice, without judging, without making assumptions, without comparing. Just be a cultural observer. Presumably we all left our home country to find something different. So relish those differences as differences, even if you don’t like them. None of us expected utopia, at least not if we were in our right minds when we made our decisions.
How well anyone does in this phase and how long it takes depends on numerous factors in one’s past experience, personality and current situation. I’ll close with a few general tips and reflections.
It is both advantageous and disadvantageous that you have each other in this process. Having another person with you who is from your own culture, speaks your own language and whom you know well, can be a relief and a crutch. You will not feel totally alone (as I often do, being here without a significant other), but feelings of loneliness can be the impetus to get out there and do those difficult things that are so crucial to adjusting. Locals are much more likely to start a conversation with a sole gringo/a, than with a pair or a group. You are much more observant when you are walking alone than when you are walking engaged in conversation with your partner. You will learn the host language much more quickly when you do not spend a significant amount of your day using your native language, etc., etc. TIP: Make sure you each venture out alone as often as you can tolerate. It will be uncomfortable. Do it anyway. You’ll be glad you did.
On a related note, major life changes can be VERY stressful, and especially taxing on relationships. Also, I’m not sure if you both had been retired for a while and had already made that adjustment before moving to EC, or if you did both at basically the same time (retire and move to EC). If the latter, just be cognizant of the fact that you are making two HUGE life adjustments at the same time, and be extra patient with yourselves.
TIPS: Resist the tendency to isolate yourselves. Reach out. You need to build a support network here, preferably composed of both Ecuadorians and expats. It is a slow but crucial process. Try to keep an open, curious, learning mind and a sense of humor. Try writing down each day three things that you are thankful for and three things that you like or at least find pleasantly interesting about Ecuador. Promise yourself that you will write these down before you are allowed to criticize or complain out loud.
More TIPS: Set some simple and reachable goals for yourselves, both as a couple and individually. Treat everything as a learning experience and as an opportunity to improve yourself, whether that be practicing more patience, practicing unconditional positive regard for others, learning to not make assumptions or jump to conclusions, learning to laugh more, learning to trust your intuition, etc.
Practice your traditional hobbies here in EC and start some new hobbies. There are groups in Quito for just about anything (there is even a Bonsai group in Quito!) or you could try to start you own group. For example, I play hand drums (djembe) and I have not yet found a group that gets together informally in the parks to play, so I am thinking of how to get the word out and start my own. Anyone interested???
Salsa lessons are fun, good exercise, good for social engagement and abundant. Join the botanical garden in Parque Carolina for $35/year and have a beautiful, safe place to go to whenever you want and you can learn all about the plants in EC. Join South American Explorers for $60/year and have a clubhouse where you belong and great advice on traveling in Ecuador. Speaking of travel, try to see and experience as much of Ecuador as your budget allows. It is relatively cheap to travel in Ecuador, (and so much to see) so take advantage of that.
My final piece of advice: You owe it to yourselves to give this the best shot you possibly can, for only then will you know whether this was the best or worst decision of your life. So gather up all of your strength, your survival skills and your positive personality traits and either make it work for you or go down fighting.
Buena suerte!
(And let's have that dinner we talked about but never did!)
JayRock
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