DATELINE: April 1, 2015
A big mistake was made by the editors of Cuenca High Life, and reportedly, it has saved the country of Ecuador from what has turned out to be a hitherto unrecognized covert invasion by North American interests. It appears that under the pressure of a recent, supposed, Government decree, the invaders have given up the ghost and headed for the hills of their Fatherlands!
Cuenca High Life, an on-line magazine geared toward expats who have moved to Ecuador and others who aspire to do so, printed a fictitious article on March 28th that was intended as an April Fools submission. The editors, taking it seriously, ran it alongside an article about expat’s relationship with the Spanish Language “Acquiring Second Languages; How We Learn.” The article stated that from now on, the Ecuadorian Government has decreed that a minimum requirement for anyone attempting to gain residency in the country would be to become fluent in Spanish.
The spurious article defined a series of tests that existing expats would have to take which would establish their proficiency level. Each year thereafter, in order to retain their residency, they would have to show evidence of improvement. It also defined the legal and potential deportation consequences of not adopting to the language of their Host Country.
The word was out, even if it was a gag; adapt or leave.
“I never saw so many Gringos fill the airport so fast in my life. Most of them were carrying six and seven overweight bags which is great for our airlines but the poor Customs guys are going nuts!” said Jaime Rodondo, a twenty year veteran of the airport in Guayaquil (Spanish translations by Google.). “Just because their (censored) fit in a container coming down does NOT mean it can be crammed into a suitcase going back!”
A spokesperson for LAN estimated that reservations for one-way returns to the U.S. alone have increased 489% and continues, “We’ve had to add on two flights each day since this article came out and by the second week of April, will have to have another 5 added flights each day until May.”
A Spokesperson for the U.S. Embassy said, “Florida has been notified. They are converting Sun Life Stadium in Miami into a holding facility. Apparently at least one-half of the 1,500 people who have already left from the Cuenca area could not afford airfare any further than Miami. It’s like someone just flushed!”
Alex Jones, an Alternative news reporter and Conspiracy Theorist commented on his show: “The last place I expected the New World Order to begin their campaign of imprisoning American citizens was through Ecuador, but here it is.”
“Isn’t it obvious to you,” he continued, “that this huge influx of aging and healthless individuals into the already bursting-at-the-seams aged population of Florida alone will cause a tremendous crisis that will literally tip the scales enough to cause a backlash that will allow the NWO to imprison ALL of the aged in the State? You thought Ferguson was a mess, just watch this!” he fumed, “The imbalance of the U.S, having to reabsorb the ungrateful of the country is exactly what is needed to instigate fascism taking root here. Social Services will be crippled, dragging all of the poor into fertile fields for rioting. If Obama thought he’d get away with the illegal Mexican population coming in just wait and see what a mess this one causes!”
Senator Ted Kennedy, speaking from the grave, said, “The liberal standards of this country must be preserved and we are obligated to take pains to re-absorb our Prodigal Sons no less than we were obligated to absorb my booze-running, Irish ancestors.”
Hilary Clinton said, “Their orders were to not assimilate too much. We were afraid they would put Ecuador’s interests above that of their Homeland. Okay, so it backfired; so did the Bay of Pigs!”
Ecuadorian Presidente, Rafael Correa lamented “If they only could have understood my Saturday broadcasts they would have known the decree wouldn’t last.”
An expat whom we collared at the airport gruffly reported, “Just last week I found out no more Skippy or Miracle Whip due to the new import regulations. This was just the icing on the cake for me; I had one foot out the door already!”
A spokeswoman for “International Living” a magazine that has rated Ecuador as the #1 Retirement Destination in the World since 1957 said, “There’s really no reason for them to fear, for $99.00 we have an on-line course on ‘How to convince Immigration you’re deaf.’ “When reminded that the report was false, she said, “We’re here to provide tools, our readers must decide if and when to use them.”
Nicholas Crowder, a writer who follows Ecuador closely to warn aspiring expats of its dangers commented, “I’m not sure what this all means, but I’ll be sure to include it in my next book, “¡Bienvenidos a Ecuador! Now Go Home.”
The Dali Lama, having just been informed while leaving for a Conference for World Peace in the Ukraine remarked, “This funny to me. I don’t speak Chinese” while Buddy Winston, former Chief Comedy Writer for Jay leno, a contributor to Cuenca High Life and a non-Spanish speaking expat living in Cuenca simply said; “I just don’t see the humor.”
The Editor responsible for the gaffe that has reduced his readership by half in just a few days confessed; “Look, we’ve all been afraid of something like this happening so when I saw the article, of course I believed it; here’s the proof!”
He showed us a print-out of his one-way e-ticket back to Minneapolis.
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